thestoryteller

Tag: heart

The End

Not so dear M.J.D,

I know this is not the conventional way of saying things in ones mind. Yet, here I am. This is what I want to do. I don’t have the energy in me to text you, call you or even see you to says these things. I hope to never cross path with you again.

I forgive you. I forgive you for all the things you did. I believe we needed to cross paths. I don’t think I am a lesson nor the love you craved but you were those to me. Funny how one person could be my nightmare and my comfort.

I took it up on me to realize that there are still some parts of me that is a work in progress and some that are healed. Crossing parts with you made me realize, I never talked about the men that presumably loved me (not my dad) but the lovers, I had in therapy. I was too afraid to open up those wounds. I have built this exterior and thought that I have healed myself just like that. After you, I knew how much pain it was and how traumatic each moment with you was. I am not blaming you for all those. You are who you are. A broken soul who just refuses to be healed and I on the other hand, I want to heal.

Thank you for making me feel like there was home and a very nostalgic feeling when I was around you. I do miss how you smell, your laugh, those silly quirks and singing songs in that “angelic” voice of yours during our night drives. I forgive you for love bombing me, giving false hope, gaslighting, lying, cheating, and above all having me believe you were a great guy (Manipulation game on point). You were exactly what I needed.

I need to move on from not only you but all of them. I think those men had a real impact on me and you were an eye opener. I knew how my body reacted around you, my gut feeling was so strong, I was anxious and had panic attacks just by the slightest trigger. Then I did something really out of line but even then, you did not fight for me nor tried to understand from my perspective and I knew you were definitely a lesson. I did not fight for you either only because that one month felt like a year and I honestly was exhausted. You somehow managed to drain the soul out of me.

This is my way of telling you once again, sayonara. I know what I have done for you and honey, that was not the bare minimum and that is me unhealed. Imagine what I could for man that will be having me healed or even what would be more surprising is finding someone who knows what to do to support you while I heal. I also have to stop seeking home in another person. I have to be feel home with myself.

I don’t wish the best for you, M.J.D. I really don’t wish anything. Only because I know, as cunning as my best friend is, the universe is way worse. I appreciate what it has done for me and whatever it has in store for you, I hope you are ready. I want to forgive you for my peace. I need to do that to the rest as well. So again, hopefully for the last time, thank you and goodbye.

With no love,

T.M.N

An Unconventional Ending

Hi

Hi

How have you been?

Generally?

Yes

Good

Holding up.

How are you?

Good

Truthfully?

I miss you.

Everyday

Does it hurt?

Yes

Do you miss me?

You have been in my mind

More often now than ever

I am sorry

Why now?

I don’t know.

Can I come see you?

You hurt me more than you know

You broke me

You lead me on

You made me trust you

The friends you told me to listen to,

I should not have

They told me to date you

They told me to risk it

I risked my heart

I risked my peace

For you

Only to be thrown out

I am sorry

Oh don’t be

You don’t need me

Nor do you want me

You still don’t understand how you hurt me

Tell me

Tell me so I will know

Please

You lead me on

You told me what you wanted

You told me you were falling for me

You told me you loved me

You told me you wanted me

You took me too meet your family

You made me believe you in all ways

When I am not in my best moments you got scared

You backed off

You then changed it all to

I have fun dating you

I am not ready for a serious relationship

Then one day when the light dimmed

You just ran out

You ran away the first chance you got

And you put the whole blame on me

You even demeaned me for my reaction

You crossed the line

There was a line?

Did you ever communicate those?

You crossed all the boundaries with me

We never did

And I did not do that to you

Even now you still don’t see what you did?

Tell me, why do you miss me?

I don’t know

I don’t know what to say

What is the point then?

Is this it then?

This is it.

I trust myself

And you are not what I want

And you made me realize that

Thank you

I will miss the feelings I had for you

Good bye M.J.D

 

 

To Herself

A letter to Tara,

29 years and look at you. You are nothing but a star to me. I took so long to love you, understand you, and to even appreciate you. I do now, and you will always be my number one, forever.

I have seen you live in hell and build hell. I have seen you even live in heaven and build it. Oddly, people destroyed that beautiful side of you, and you always used hell’s fury to defend it, and no one saw that side of you. Slowly, I saw that fire being put out and hell’s gate only open to one who doesn’t appreciate the little heavenly side of you. Funnily people are more scared of you now if they ever saw that side. I laughed so many times when you did that.

You have opened up a lot. Made friends outside of your circle. Built relationships that may be life bonded. I know this year, your heart’s goal is harder than usual, and I know you have cried a good number of days just this month because you are trying to be patient with yourself. Continue that you did this and not once you have failed. So keep going even if the road is hard. You know it is going to be, and just thinking about you have your guards on standby.

Hey Tara, I do miss you, and I am glad you are growing to be better. So much more than the person I miss. Did I tell you I was proud of you? Oh, I am very much. So are mum and dad. Now, now, no crying. You got this. You always had it. Keep shining like the star you are, and don’t turn into a black hole.

Love,
Your little astronaut

The Predator

They roam among us. It could be your father, brother, or son. Their eyes pierce through your clothes. No matter what you wear, their eyes will scan you like an x-ray. Their mind is filled with unrealistic imagination.

They will talk to you sweetly. They will feed you lies that you want to hear. Those lies are the key to trapping you with them. They fulfill their desires by lying. Whatever diamonds and flowers spew out of their mouths are nothing but an illusion. You are Alice and their lie is Wonderland.

Who told you it was your fault? You may be naive but it was never your fault. You trusted this predator not knowing what a predator is like. You may wear any clothing and you will still be a victim. You may talk sweetly or arrogantly, but he will still attack you. When he sets his mind, he will get you and he will do anything for that.

Again, it is not your fault but it was his parents who did not teach him, it was his friends who encouraged him and it was his sister who was embarrassed to tell anyone what happened to her. Maybe it was not even their fault. He is at fault as he corrupted his mind with this lust that now turned to look for victims. Or was it the adult movies or was he abused too?

Who do we blame? Him for being a predator or us being the victim? If this was the savannah and the lion attacks the antelope or the calve, it is only natural they say. But it is the lioness feeding the tribe. It is the lioness who hunts. The lion may fornicate with all the lionesses but the power is still in her hands. The lion is not going to hunt like the lioness does. The lioness has one another but the lion does not. We no longer will bow to the social concept.

He will continue to hunt and there will be lioness out there that will hunt him to keep the city safe. To keep the children protected. To let the girls walk at night. To let women be comfortable with their clothes. We shall strive to be that tribe. When one of our lionesses is attacked by the lion, we will have our heads up and the tribe of the lioness will bring down this predator’s thrones’.

How We Broke Each Other’s Heart

Have you ever sat at home and thought, why do I need to go on this date?
It seems ages ago when I used to be excited to go out on a date.
Now it no longer feeds my emotions.
It is as if, a need to do phase to get to know someone until you.

But you, oh you.
The day we crossed paths, we danced the night with a group of other people.
Our eyes met each other multiple times, that soft flirt with the eyes.
As the night turned to dawn, you left with a grin on your face.
We did not kiss nor did we touch each other
Right before you left, you held my hand.
“Come away with me,” he put out the offer.
“No, I can’t,” shutting the offer down.

Hours passed and you started following me on my social platforms.
Days passed and you replied to the posts from my social platforms.
Days passed and you said “Let’s grab a coffee.”
Weeks passed and you said “Let’s go for dinner, I made reservations.”

My heart did not sink neither did my anxiety flare up.
I was calm, so calm that I overthought the whole calmness.
By the day of the date, I was pacing in my living room.
I tried bunch of dresses and only to pick the wrong one.
I tried on each heels and ended with a boots.

“I am going on a date and I am nervous,” read the text I sent to my friend.
She replied, “This is new. Hey, you are going to be fine.”

I was not fine but where do I tell that?

Date night, good food, great wine and there you were, smiling.
You were nervous, I could tell as was I.
More wine and more talks as we pretend to accidentally touch each other.
More wine and more laughs as we ended up closer to each other.
More wine and eye contacts is a bad combination.
No more wine, no more flirting, no more eye contacts.

Our lips had touched each other.
His hand holding my face and another gripping my hips.
As we pulled me closer, my hands wrapped around him tightly.
We stopped, “Come away,” he said.
I smiled and said “Where to?”
He replied coyly “Where I can show you my heart, my home.”

Well I went away, to see his heart.
Only to see and not have it.
It was in pain, egoistic, lonely, enraged.
His heart was confused trying to keep up with two worlds that will not merge
His heart was fighting to choose what he really likes.
His heart was filled with chaos that I could never calm.

But you don’t know that I love you yet
You did not hurt me but my heart is the same as yours.
It was in pain, egoistic, lonely, enraged.
You could never calm it down either.
We were meant to destroy one another
I left before we could create more chaos.

Now my bedsheets smells like you and in our separate worlds, we sleep alone.
Thinking if we could have made it through this chaos.
“I miss you, come away will you?” you texted but was that it?
“I no longer do,” read the reply that was never sent.

I am not fine but who is going to listen?

El Amorío

In a world filled with the seven deadly sins

They got caught up with our own greed of need
The lust for something or someone
Starvation of owning everything or maybe all souls
The pride of being in control
Creating a failure to act for others 
The insatiable desire for their happiness 
To destroy it with wrath deep inside

A story of an affair will soon begin with a decanter filled with sin

An affair will rise from the daylight ashes
She will be the one you run to when you need to fill your ego
She will be your second best, close but not your favorite
She will be the midnight love that you feed off 

An affair will rise fires from the deep south 
He will be her fulfillment of undesirable acts
He will be her dirty secret, she will never speak off
He will be her story that she will write about for the audience’s lust

El amorío or as they may say infidelity

A few sips were adequate to fall from grace
A mere stare was unfulfilling and they desired more 
Fingers to stroke on the face to the plumped lips
Leaning to a kiss with fingers wrapped on the neck 
Those lips moved to caress the shoulder 
A gasp for air as the lips reach the chest
Bodies out of the materials worn, one by one
One last stare and he lifted her
And finally, a sigh of relief
They have sinned

A love affair blessed by the devil

The Toxic Psycho

Triynetta

Mama and Papa never loved nor cared for her. Although I grew up with 11 siblings, she grew up alone. She is my older sister and the middle child among us. When I was growing up, I would tag along where-ever she went. She would go to the woods to collect herbs and leaves and make them into a potion. When we were in high school, she once made poison out of these leaves and twigs she collected. Never knew what she did with it.

Although she never had good grades at school and never went to college, she was always kind to all of us and was the obedient one. She never played truant nor dated a boy. Mama and Papa hated her more because of this.

They would be cruel to her and say, “You are not pretty, not smart, nothing but a useless rag that should be thrown out.”

There she would be sitting and saying nothing.

When she was younger, they brought her to a doctor frequently and saying that she was sick.

Never knew what it was back then but one fine day, Papa was drunk and said, “She is nothing but a mental. That is why she is ugly and stupid.”

Then it hit me. They were sending her to a shrink and he diagnosed her. I did meet the doctor’s wife and she told me he died but my sister name was always spoken as he feared what she may become if she lived here any longer.

After I left home for the city, I wanted her to be with me. She will be safer here. I remember the day I took her away from the hell hole. I had to fight with Mama and Papa to take her out of there. She sat in her room that day.

At night, she came to my room with a suitcase and said, “Let’s go now.”

I did not ask any further question and packed my suitcase. I drove her away from there that night. Thinking about it now, it seems like she asked me to get away and yet again I tagged along.

I would be absent during the day and by the time I am home, she would have cleaned and even cooked dinner for me. I would sit with her and watch a movie or talked about how our day went. She still did not talk much, whereas, she listened attentively to everything I said.

Seeing her sit there staring at the moon as the wind blew her hair revealing her face. Her sweet innocent face makes me feel sad above all I curse God for giving her such upbringing and life. She was not able to be a normal being and I feel as if what has happened to her growing up has suppressed her true talent to live.

I fear that she would become worse than what my family sees. She could become a history for the society to frown upon.

 

Kiera

It was a quiet Saturday evening. An old married couple sat celebrating their anniversary, he told me that when I took their orders and gave a dessert on the house. Three young ladies talking and giggling, another young couple having a date I would presume and five handsome gentlemen sitting waiting for God knows what.

Another customer for the day. A tall woman with short black hair, in her beige power suit and brown boots. She looked like she could take down an entire troop of men in suits with just a snap of her finger. Yet, she was walking in with another who looks like an older version of her but the opposing characters. She has long black hair, pale skin, a long flowy hippie dress. A certain warmth and calmness in her lit her face.

The tall woman sat across of the another and she said something that I would guess would sound, “I am going to the washroom. Wait here and enjoy the view. Order whenever you are ready.”

She seems to be talking to her so gently as if the other was so fragile, that a single word could break her. She stood up and walked away from the table and the other sat they staring at the moon.

I walked to the table with my little yellow pocket sticky pad and a green pen that was laying on the counter. I smiled her and asked if she was ready to order. She smiled back at me. A genuine smile that would make the eyes show how glad you are to be here. A smile, that would draw you closer as it welcomed you to its man-made hell.

She nodded and pointed to what she wanted and ordered for the other woman too. She did not speak a word. I repeated what she ordered and all I got was a nod again. I went to the kitchen and placed the order and sat behind the counter.

I stood up as another customer walked in a lady in a red dress. A devil in disguise. My colleague took their orders instead. As I was staring at the woman, the hippie-looking lady was staring at me. I saw her staring from a mirror that reflected her table. I turned to her and smiled. She smiled.

Both of them walked to the counter and the tall one paid for the meal.

As the night was, the hippie smiled but this time she spoke and said, “It was a good meal. Sent my compliments to the chef.”

She turned away and paused. I didn’t utter a word but just watched her next move closely.

She spoke again. “Do you know I cook?” I cook in a petri dish. They are called viruses. Instead of a meal, I will mutate them with human genes. None of my cooking has been successful. All of them died.”

She smiled and walked away.

Everything she said did not take me back. I was not surprised. I knew she was a psycho.

 

Nikita

Doctor Grant was the only person I trusted and talked too.

Since I was 10 years old and my little sister could walk, she would tag along everywhere I went. She would get hurt every time we went into the words.

She would cry and I would sit with her till she stops crying and say, “Let’s go now.”

I liked how the plants here had its way of living and combining some could kill someone. I made poison out of these little flowers, stem sap and a dying wild mushroom. What I loved the most were watching the animals in the wild. Especially the bird with the broken wing.

I would want to help it fly again but instead, I would mix the herbs and mutate them.

I have killed the neighbour’s cat cause it purred to loud and Papa’s hound cause I hated Papa. These animals were better used as my experiments instead.

I could kill Mama and Papa too but looks like their herd still is in need of them. I don’t. I never did. I could do everything on my own without depending on them besides acing a test or looking attractive to men. Studying was a waste of my time.

I was 13 when Mama and Papa had me meet Doctor Grant. He was a tall young dashing man. He looked so full of life and was had a beaming smile that could light the entire street.

I did not feel comfortable at first but then he told me whatever I told him will be a secret between us. So, I told him about my adventures in the wild and every time I spoke, he took notes. I liked that. I like that he keeps notes. It feels as if he cares.

It was three years I was seeing him and he took care of me like I was a bird with a broken wing. I liked being a bird with a broken wing and he wanted to cure me but he was also my bird with a broken wing.

He was telling all my secrets to Mama and Papa. So, he was the broken bird that kept chirping endlessly.

I wanted him gone and he was gone. I celebrated the day he stopped breathing.

I took the folder with my name on it. It was the notes he wrote whenever I spoke. It was written a hard time forming real emotional attachments with others, does not feel guilt, antisocial personality disorder and the list went on but a particular line has lived by me possible psychopathy.

Those words have been engraved in my soul till this date and I wonder will I ever find another bird with a broken wing.

All of this came back just by watching that one bird flying across the moon. As that one flew away, a little birdie came with no hope in her face. There is my next experiment. The little young waitress, probably no hope, no family, no life.

Let me help you put an end to your misery.

Something about this little experiment makes me angry. She was not afraid of me nor had any sort of reaction. I even tried to scare her by saying I mutate human genes but my efforts were to no avail.

Why was she not afraid? I want her to be afraid. I want to see that fear in her eyes.

I want her to be weak like a bird that can’t fly and I will make sure she can’t fly.

 

 

Letter To My Ephemeral Lover

To you who tried,

I haven’t talked to you in months. Your voice has been fading away from my mind. I forgot how you smelled like. Seems like you never happened. I didn’t move on if this is what it seems like. This is part of me that is just forgetting something that was my habit. You and all of them are a habit that I wish I never sought for.

My habit of looking for someone to keep me company at all times. Hoping that my solitude doesn’t eat me up alive. Praying to whatever god every being belives in that I would not take my life away and to keep myself strong. That is why I need someone with me, all the time, hoping to keep me sane and to have a reason to live.

Funny that none of them knew that, including you. You have been with me through my highs and lows. You have seen me crying watching a movie and laughing at the silliest joke. Why did you not hear my cry for help? Among all of them, I thought you would understand that it was so difficult for me to stay sane.

You always had an answer to everything and those answers were not what I wanted nor do I need to hear. I just hoped, wished, prayed and at a point, I even begged for you to just listen to me. Why did you call me stupid when I said I was tired of living? Weren’t you there when I was on my knees trying to undo death?

You and I could have been some much more but we tore apart with what we wanted in life. I gave up the world I used to live in to be in yours. The exact same thing I did when I was with the others. Oh dear, that is the reason I can never survive being committed. Only because, no one knew or knows what I want. No one knew how I felt cause their world mattered and mine was meant to be shattered.

Can we make this work? I always thought that to myself. I tried when I was still there. I gave my all when I was still there. Now, I have given up and have no energy to even sustain myself nor wanting to live, you want to try. Isn’t it a little too late when you took no notice of my lonely nights, while you locked yourself away from me? How do I try now?

Why can’t I try you ask? I only seek to be loved once but now I seek peace and happiness. I seek the lust to wander and to feel alive again. I seek to be in my own thoughts of the wondrous fascination the world has to offer. I seek to just breathe without being told how to. You didn’t stop me, but I was too caught up loving you, I forgot to love myself. Funny that I thought, I could give all of that up to be loved the same way you did the first time for another 50 years.

Opposites attract they say. Yet, the love of the opposite is never the same. One will show their love in so many ways and the other will be apathetic towards you but deep down loves you and would die for you. You were the second one I assume. I always try and I give up easily when it’s not acknowledged. I don’t feel appreciated. I say thank you to myself for doing something for you. Why did I need you to say thank you? Why do I need you to say that you appreciate me? Why do I need you to say you love me?

I needed it. I needed to know you are not falling out of love. You were to caught up chasing your dream and me being home, screaming silently to be saved. I was not a priority at the time. You saw it all only when I left. I remember that month, clearly. Crying every night. Coming home late cause I do not want to be home. I remember before telling you “let’s end it.” You never saw it coming, did you? I never had a plan, I never planned anything. After I told you, I got lost for a minute. What do I do now?

We were just comfortable with each other that we couldn’t let go. The reason why I put on a smile is that you would have never been bothered by these tears I shed? I knew that if I cried you would just shut me off. You have done it and I think I was comfortable just putting a smile with you when I am suffering deep down.

I gave up that day. I could no longer smile. I do not know what was happiness. If you were part of a Marie Condo series, I would say being with you did not spark joy but did I love you? I did, once upon a long time ago. Did I still love you when I asked for a break? I don’t know and I still don’t. Do I love you know as I write this? I don’t think so. I care for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world that I could never give you. That will be all.

I was insomniac. I often had panic attacks. I felt depressed. I always had suicidal thoughts. I was always confused with what I wanted. I always wonder what is my purpose of even living. Now, I am just fine. I am reaching towards what I am seeking. Towards what I should have been going for. Am I better without you? I am fine, just fine not better nor worst. I was dying to be with you and I killed myself to keep you alive.

I promise to love myself more than I ever did. I will build a wall around my solitude that it would take someone new years and years to break it. I am tired of trying and I never want to try this time. The only effort that will be made by me is to focus on myself, in rebuilding my world again. I would never destroy nor abandon it for another man.

Thank you and all of them. It makes it clearer of what I want and what I fear the most. I fear time, I do not want to waste on men that merely see what that want to see. I am human with emotions, dreams and goals. I want to reach that before my time is up.

I am sorry that I gave up on you. I am sorry that I could not bring myself to love you anymore. I am sorry that I left you and everything you wanted me to be. I am sorry you fell in love with me. I am sorry for everything else that I have forgotten.

From,
The one who gave up.

Day 165

It has been a rough time since dad and mom passed and nothing has been right. Somehow, life has a way of telling that, you will never be good enough at anything. Well, I passed the test of life and I am alive, however, it brings me to the part where my heart is cold and empty as though it was seeking for something that I will never be good enough for. Could someone ever love me?

I eventually did but he left. Despite that, I still fell in love again. Or maybe I sought for the feeling of being loved. It was that moment I realised, that I have longed for someone to hold my hand when I am walking in a mall or down the street. The hope that they will lend their shoulder if I needed to cry. A piece of me wanted to feel the warmth of human touch.

I give my heart away easily even if I deny it and say that I am cold and brutal which I am not. Anyone that shines kindness and love upon me is someone who has my heart. Someone, who has the power to make a crack on it but you, oh my dear, you shattered it.

Everything that I longed for and everything that I have told you, despite all the tears I have shed whilst pouring my feelings, you have forgotten. I left cause I was seeking to be loved again and you forgot how to love me. It was a rash decision but I needed to learn to love myself instead of seeking. I need to breathe without any expectations. I need to fly high without feeling I have owed you something.

I never loved myself but I loved you so much that I forgot what was it like hating myself. A thought that should not have been implemented in my mind. You changed me as a person, you groomed me to be better, you made the decisions for a better future. I forgot everything that I have dreamed of a cause your dream was so real and making it come true was my only purpose. Look, again, I have forgotten about me.

I keep forgetting about myself, I keep drowning in someone else’s world they have built because of the longing of the heart. Hearts are behind rib cages because it is a wild thing and it seeks the impossible yet I wear my heart on my sleeves.

Just so you know, you still have my heart and always will my dear ephemeral lover. Now, I just have to fix myself again. I need to love myself before I can love another and before I let this heart out on my sleeves again.

Tissue Paper

WhatsApp Image 2019-10-06 at 02.15.21

Sunday, 06/10/2019, 2.15 PM, WhatsApp, A Bet.