Day 165

by Tara

It has been a rough time since dad and mom passed and nothing has been right. Somehow, life has a way of telling that, you will never be good enough at anything. Well, I passed the test of life and I am alive, however, it brings me to the part where my heart is cold and empty as though it was seeking for something that I will never be good enough for. Could someone ever love me?

I eventually did but he left. Despite that, I still fell in love again. Or maybe I sought for the feeling of being loved. It was that moment I realised, that I have longed for someone to hold my hand when I am walking in a mall or down the street. The hope that they will lend their shoulder if I needed to cry. A piece of me wanted to feel the warmth of human touch.

I give my heart away easily even if I deny it and say that I am cold and brutal which I am not. Anyone that shines kindness and love upon me is someone who has my heart. Someone, who has the power to make a crack on it but you, oh my dear, you shattered it.

Everything that I longed for and everything that I have told you, despite all the tears I have shed whilst pouring my feelings, you have forgotten. I left cause I was seeking to be loved again and you forgot how to love me. It was a rash decision but I needed to learn to love myself instead of seeking. I need to breathe without any expectations. I need to fly high without feeling I have owed you something.

I never loved myself but I loved you so much that I forgot what was it like hating myself. A thought that should not have been implemented in my mind. You changed me as a person, you groomed me to be better, you made the decisions for a better future. I forgot everything that I have dreamed of a cause your dream was so real and making it come true was my only purpose. Look, again, I have forgotten about me.

I keep forgetting about myself, I keep drowning in someone else’s world they have built because of the longing of the heart. Hearts are behind rib cages because it is a wild thing and it seeks the impossible yet I wear my heart on my sleeves.

Just so you know, you still have my heart and always will my dear ephemeral lover. Now, I just have to fix myself again. I need to love myself before I can love another and before I let this heart out on my sleeves again.